A few days ago, I wrote a post about a time in the recent past where my youngest son worked through some fear issues in regards to playing baseball. In the post, I stated that what helped him overcome the fear was knowing and therefore trusting the one throwing the pitches. That’s a true story, but that’s not the whole story. The whole story is drenched in God’s grace more than I shared because interwoven in the story are instances of sin: anger, fear, impatience, unkind words, and control.
I’ve been convicted lately of my lack of transparency at times which stems from the battle I have with preserving my self-image and fear of other’s perception of me. It’s been a lifelong battle and one that I’m quite frankly exhausted from. Keeping up appearances is all-consuming, back-breaking, spirit-crushing, joy-stealing, self-centered, pointless work. It hurts me. It hurts my family. It hurts the church. It hurts the gospel witness in the world. And I think publicly admitting my brokenness is a first step in a long journey towards killing the pride in my heart.
So here goes…
Hi, my name is Andy, and I’m a mess. (You say, “Hi, Andy.”) I’m not always the person I present myself to be. I’m not always the dad I present myself to be. I’m not always the husband I present myself to be. I’m not always the pastor I present myself to be. I’m a mess. A big one. I sin. Sometimes a lot. I need help. I need help being the dad God has called me to be. A lot of help.
The whole story behind the story I told a few days ago goes something like this: during his first game of T ball game when he was running away from the pitches and playing with dirt in the field my parenting techniques consisted of intimidation, fear, manipulation, loss of temper, and deceit and all of them privately. I was very careful to make sure no one else saw the anger bubbling over, only my son saw that.
Second T ball game was actually worse. My son ran away more, didn’t even come up to bat once, actually rolled around in the dirt and my reactions were much the same, only this time add complete despair to the list, and I quote, “I’m done, boy. I’m done.” Yep, I said “boy” to my son. Cut to the backyard the next day when I don’t have to fight so hard to look good and add raised voice and throwing the ball as hard as I could at the backstop out of anger to the list.
I warned you, I’m a mess.
Now, I could say that the reason for all this was rooted in the fact that my wife was away during this time and I had all three kids for four days non-stop (which included watching them while I coached 9 other 5 year old kids twice). I could say that I was tired and I was stressed and my son was being especially disobedient. All those things are true, but none of those things are the root cause. The root cause is me. I acted that way because that’s what was in my heart. Sin loves to find occasions to rear its ugly head and make itself known and boy howdy did the brokenness in my heart come out on those days. And I’m beginning to learn that the more of a mess I realize I am, the more grace becomes precious and absolutely necessary.
At the end of the all the yelling and manipulation, my son somehow trusted me. He shouldn’t have. I wouldn’t have. But he did. And that’s a testament to God’s grace and not to my parenting. I finally came to my senses, confessed my sin, asked for help from “Dad of All Time”, and had a calm, gospel-driven conversation with him. God helped my youngest trust his Dad. God helped me love my son with grace and truth. God worked through the brokenness of the situation to bring reconciliation and hope.
I’m a mess. God loves messes and works through them for his glory. God gives grace to the humble but opposes the proud. With Christ’s help through the power of the Spirit, the truth of the Word, and the unity of the body, I pray that pride will be killed in me. But it will never be killed if I continue to hide it, baby it, justify it, or ignore it.
My name is Andy and sometimes I’m just a terrible dad. But even through my sin, His grace is sufficient. Sufficient to help me see my sin. Sufficient to help me trust his forgiveness. Sufficient to help me change. Sufficient to restore my relationships. Sufficient to help my son see through my mistakes to the true and better Father who never loses his temper and always shows kindness. Sufficient to help me not be consumed with what you think of me. Sufficient to help you in your messiness.
That’s the whole story. And that’s the story I think better honors and glorifies the Father; mess covered in grace. Pray for me that more of my stories would include my mess so they can also include more of God’s grace and I’ll pray that you’ll do the same.
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